Through the cannon of film we have been asked to suspend our disbelief. We go to the movies to escape, and sometimes that includes seeing something that is absolutely absurd. As viewers, it is up to us to decide what we like and to believe what we want to believe. Personally, I loved The A-Team because of it’s outlandishness, while Stephen King saw four men trying to fly a tank and said: “You can’t fly a tank, fool!”
Regardless of how you feel about movies, you have seen the instances named below, and I guarantee that you have thought about at least two of these. But I have done more that think about them, I have learned from them.
1. When someone/something bad is on your car, hit the brakes.
Movie Example: Planet Terror
Alright, I hadn’t seen this until recently, when I finally sat down and watched the Grindhouse Double Feature. I dug this film. As an exploitation zombie film, it was really cool to see someone make a good old fashioned, ass-kicking horror film. Plus having Rico from Six Feet Under and Kyle Reese from The Terminator in it helped.
But there was a scene that pissed me off. While trying to get away from the crazy, man-made zombies, the car they are driving gets one of the pests on it. Now, when a zombie jumps on your car, what is the first thing you are going to do? In movies like Planet Terror the first thing that happens is: nothing. They just try to keep moving while staying alive. That makes little to no sense. Wouldn’t you want to shake the damn thing off? Maybe do some swerving?
The proper response is to slam on the damn brakes. The rotting corpse on your hood is not going to still be there after going from 60 to 0 in 3 seconds. I’m no scientist, but I have flown over enough bicycle handlebars to know that when a vehicle stops, anything that is not strapped down is going for an unhappy ride. Sure, some people in the car may be hurt, but a lot less than if Captain Brains gets through the window.
Tarantino has never looked better.
2. When someone/something good is on your car, slow down.
Movie Example: Death Proof
I already said I was watching the double feature, so bare with me. During Deathproof, our heroes decide to do a stunt from the film Vanishing Point. This stunt entails one of them climbing on the hood and laying on their back (while holding onto belts for “safety”). While this member of Mensa feels the wind blowing through their hair, the driver speeds up.
As we have all seen from films like Teen Wolf car surfing never causes death. But that movie didn’t have a 1971 Chevy Nova driven by crazy Kurt Russell.
A car chase ensues. Duh.
No, guys, it's cool. I'm fine up here.
The chase is actually pretty amazing, but there were points that I was telling the woman what to do, like SLOW THE HELL DOWN. You are getting smashed from one side by “Stuntman Mike” and your friend is about to crap her pants on your hood…what do you do? You go the same speed as he does. Why not let him get towards the front of your car, then rapidly decrease your speed (not as fast as in #5, because your friend would probably end up very unhappy) and let her get back into the car. You would have a good 10 seconds, more than enough time for a character who has done this before to climb her New Zealand ass back in through the window.
Then you can slam into him as much as you want.
That’s what she said.
3. When you hear a noise, don’t go checking it out.
Movie Example: Any horror movie ever
No, I'm sure that building is totally free of psycho killers.
Walk with me. Your children are all sick and you have had to start transporting them two hundred miles every week to get them to the only doctor in the area that can help. After a few months of this, you and your new spouse decide you need to move closer to the hospital. And lucky you, after doing some research you find the house of your dreams is available and at a price you can easily afford!
Shortly after moving everyone in, you begin to hear noises coming from different areas of the house. You start to see strange things and things around the kitchen start moving on their own. So you do some research and you find out some history about the house, a history you wish you didn’t know. Suddenly you’re brave and you begin to check things out around the house.
Let’s stop right there. When was the last time that it was a good idea to check out a creaking noise down the hall of your newest house? You know the house where the last seven owners were murdered in grisly and unnatural ways? Why would it ever be a good idea to investigate the scurrying sound down in the basement whose door is now mysteriously unlocked after months of being stuck closed?
Nothing good every happens from that. Ever. Not once. People always die. It’s true. That’s why people watch these movies. So when you hear the creepy music and a chair slides across your den, get the crap out of the house.
Also, part of this is the fact that if you think something bad is goign to ha
4. Rogue behavior will save the world.
Movie Example: The Dirty Harry Series, Top Gun, The Boondock Saints, The Lethal Weapon Series, Chinatown, Mission Impossible, etc.
There’s nothing quite like saving the world. You get this overwhelming feeling patriotism, your veins fill with adrenaline and you get to do cool stuff like blow up cars. But there comes a time when that lame boss of yours says: “you are out of control,” takes away your badge and puts you on a desk. What a jerk. How in the hell will you deactivate that nuclear weapon when you can’t get back on the street!?
It’s easy: just do it.
I'll show you diplomatic immunity!
5. Regardless of your training, you will not be able to do anything when the crap hits the fan.
Movie Example: Every action film ever
We’ve all seen it: the brilliant cop or the highly-trained team that shows us their gun prowess on a regular basis, showing us that they can shoot a dime out of a baby’s mouth at 400 yards. They are so well trained that you know they can do anything. This cop will save the day.
This was from 2 counties over...
The plot always flows in such a way where the protagonist solves some crimes, ends some sprees and saves the day using their amazing gun skills, but then the big moment happens: the good guy meets the bad guy and a chase ensues. In some movies it is running through buildings (The Bourne Trilogy) or chasing each other in a car (Ronin).
That’s when our man suddenly becomes the worst shot/driver/cop in the history of the universe. A man who has had years of specialized training, has shown us before on several occasions that he is good at shooting things, and has run at least eight cars off the roads, suddenly can’t shoot a guy across the room. He suddenly has a case of the yips worse than Steve Blass (look it up).
Seems logical
